Tuesday, July 08, 2008
when it all comes crumbling down
I'd never been so afraid of making a wrong decision, but when I found out yesterday that my London trip would most likely not materialise, I got to thinking about the various possibilities that I could engage just so I can be there.
When Dad started booking the air tickets, it never dawned upon me that the return flights would be something hard to get, and I probably took it for granted that the flights to and from London would be settled then, and hence marked my early celebrations. Until I realised that the return tickets were put on the waiting list, and chances for me to return are slim because mine is a free ticket after all, and free tickets get the lowest priority and are only allocated a limited number of seats per plane. I prayed like crazy for a chance to go to London again, and when the impossibility of my trip was nearly cast in concrete yesterday, my disappointment was great, if not, heartbreaking. I was angry at God for awhile, that He couldn't even allow me one week to enjoy myself before starting work. Even though I knew that His plans were to prosper me, and that it's probably not His time for me to return to London again, I had a tough time believing it. Not being a wussy or anything, but I did pretty much cry myself out because I felt like my happiness was being snatched away. On hindsight, it is all pretty silly because such materiality was all I ever lived for. Even though I'm still disappointed, my feelings are pretty much muted now. Being angry with God is like fighting a losing battle. I can only ask now, for His forgiveness and mercy in light of my petulance.
Still, I ploughed through London's classified ads today hoping to find someplace to rent for a few days until the next available flight back, or a job I can take to tide me over the months that I'll be living and working there, and that is the huge decision I'm afraid to make. Melissa and Cheyenne make it seem so easy to work and live there on their own, but I don't see myself having the social skills to cope well in a foreign land with neither family, friends, nor finances, not to mention a roof over my head. I have it all planned out though. I will apply for a few jobs now, and in the 5 days that I have a hotel to stay in because of Dad, I can go apartment and job hunting. I'm just afraid because then it would pretty much seal the deal on the fact that I'll probably be living in London for at least 6 months, which is a decision so big and sudden that it scares me.
I know I should not let my desire to go to London cloud all rational thinking from my head. So I've decided that if it's not time for me to go there, I'll work here first and gain more experience of the working world, and then armed with this experience, I won't feel such trepidation at working in a foreign land. I'll just have to live with this disappointment for now, and maybe settle for Bangkok and loads of cheap shopping, which does help cheer me up a little. They don't call it retail therapy for nothing. I still hope for a future where I'll be working and settled somewhere, preferably London or Scotland, and I don't really know where to start. It's like feeling about in the dark and banging off walls and furniture, and sometimes I'm lazy and can't be arsed about planning out my future in detail and my myopic present is limited to the confines of the PSP screen, but I do have a rough skeleton of my 'Plan to Infiltrate Scotland and Plant Myself There' so I'll try and work with that and gain support along the way.
written at
|10:31 PM|
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(Read by Max McLean. Provided by The Listener's Audio Bible.)