Nothing generates publicity like dirty linen being aired in the open. Then again one questions the reason for airing dirty garb in the open in the first place. So lately I've had talks with some people because of what I posted a couple of entries back (I've taken it away now. It has served its purpose, whatever it may be, so it's time to bury it.). To be honest, I don't apologize for it, although I do feel bad for words that may seem harsh. So if I have disillusioned people, I'm sorry. Life happens, and it's not sunshine and rainbows all the time. One thing I have to make clear though, I'm not unhappy with the existing leadership in church. In fact I think it's doing a pretty bang up job and I know for certain, that God has great plans in store for them. I'm just not happy about being where I am because I don't know whether it's where I'm called to serve. So it's a personal struggle.I've always been a pretty good reader of people, and even though I don't really care much about how other people think of me or if their judging me (I have always believed that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I don't want to dictate what other people think of me, or say of me.), I do however, am able to sense that through all this, I've let some people down, and some others may be disappointed. Being happy and making people happy has always been my philosophy in life, and right now, I know I'm not doing either, and it's not a nice feeling. Show me Your ways, O Lord, teach me Your paths...(Psalm 25:4)I know some people are worried about me because hey, Tracy never has problems. Tracy is always carefree and free spirited, constantly joking or laughing and rarely sad or burdened. Which is why I find it hard to escape this stigma that I've carried around with me for most of my life. People don't expect me to have problems, and frankly, I really don't. My life is not a fairy tale, I just find that I'm not bothered by many things. It's just when things do get me down, they tend to be huge otherwise I'll always manage on my own. I'm independent that way. Which is why I find it hard to share with people my struggles because I know people have many other things on their plates and I don't want to add to their burdens because it's not fair to them. I never liked having people worrying about me.I know for certain that God has an awesome plan for me. Somewhere out there is a Tracy-shaped hole waiting for me to fill. I know I'm meant for great things. We all are. I was joshing around with Bernice and Agnes today about how when I've passed away, I want the song "I've Got A Home In Glory Land" to be played and people to throw a party at my wake. I'm not kidding though. To think about it, I want people to be happy and to know for certain, that at the end of my life, I would have gone on to a better place up there with my Big Daddy. I know I belong to an everlasting kingdom that will never fade away. All these things I still hold fast to, so I'm not too far gone to be saved. God help me to have Your heart...If anything, the past few weeks have helped fan in me a desire to claw my way back to Him. I want to know what God's plans for me are, and only through spending time with Him and knowing His heart can I hope to find stable ground in this stormy sea I'm floating in now. I'm not going to run away. I'm done with that. I've grown up a lot over the years, and it's about time I made an effort to keep my appointment with God.I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm fine, really. There's nothing much people can do for me anyway, apart from praying. This is something I'm going to have to deal with alone. If anyone wants to ask me about this, I cannot give you an answer yet. I'm not much of a talker, so I never liked having conversations pertaining to things of these nature. I express myself better in text, and I'm hoping this entry will assure people that I'm OK. Every once in awhile, people will have to deal with stuff. This is my time. Other than that, I think I'm just really really tired.