My relationship with a fly...
Sounds like the starting of some melodramatic poem, but it isn't. Well, I just felt like starting that way. Nope, no reason in particular. Anyway, it's time I started blogging again after a long hiatus, and the first thing that came to mind was this particular fly which has been er...part of my life for sometime now.
Have you ever heard of the shit-fly? Nope? Me neither, until this small guy (the fly, not some vertically-challenged guy) happened to buzz around my toilet many many months ago while I was taking care of er..'big business'. All along, it has been a habit of mine to sit on the throne with a book and I will never relinquish the throne until I have finished at least one chapter of the book. I have finished full comics before while doing my time in the bathroom. That's not all. I even nodded off twice in a row during a particularly tough session. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that, I can spend like 1 hour reigning on my throne. So there was this particular time as I was going about doing my own 'business', this small guy came buzzing around the toilet. So thinking nothing of it, I quickly did what I had to do and rushed out of the bathroom. But after more visitations from the fly which also increasingly grew bigger in size, I complained about it to Mom who said it was a shit-fly, so I assumed that it's life long ambition is to be attracted to the smell of poop. Which, in my opinion, isn't much of an ambition, but to each his/it's own. Ok, let's get on with the story. Technically, since I was the only one complaining about the fly, I assumed that only extremely pungent smells attract the fly. But then again, no one else spends as much time as I do in the loo. Attempts at preventing Fly from landing on me while I'm in no way to defend myself (not that I don't want to but it's rather hard to take up a defensive position when you're sitting on the throne):
1: (most utilised defensive action) One word - Spasm.
I'm serious. I mean, flies don't land on moving things (as far as I know anyway). Since there wasn't much I could do while sitting prone on the throne, I just did the only thing I could do and that was to shake violently and just keep moving as much as possible so Fly could not get anywhere near me.
Disadvantages:
1.Too violent shaking induces nausea (tried and tested, don't question)
2. Can't do anything while shaking so that means I can't er...get up off the throne and get out of the toilet because I can't even tear the toilet paper. I've tried, but it's impossible. I probably need to work on my bodily coordination.
3. Will trigger off an earthquake. Or just a mini tsunami in the toilet bowl.
2: Ok, I added onto the first defensive move and that was to throw a towel over my head everytime I hear Fly buzzing through the window. Yeah, think hooded person on loo. But shaking has to continue 'cos towel ain't that big. Maybe I need a tent.
You may ask, why don't you just close the window for goodness sake? I thought of that, but it's a pain to keep opening and closing the windows everytime there's an urge to 'go'. And without proper ventilation, poop fumes may be toxic and harmful to the brain.
Ok, now I've learnt not to sit for to long. But sometimes it can't be helped and sometimes, Fly just arrives ahead of time. So I end up trying to use the towel to protect myself. Think bulls and the matadors. Yeah, 'cept it was Tracy Vs the Fly. I know it sounds faintly ridiculous now, but it ain't funny when there's this mutant shit-fly buzzing around when one's trying to relieve oneself. Ok, it's funny.
Today, Fly came irritating me again. Lucky I've learnt to be exceptionally sensitive to it's buzzing so I was in the shower when Fly came. So it ended up buzzing around the toiletbowl area while I'm safely bathing. But still Fly HAD TO come annoy me so many times I had to squat and spray water all over the place. Anyway, I quickly got out of the toilet, stepped into the back balcony and saw the Fly. Now I had a score to settle so as it landed on one of the towels, I just gave the towel a hearty smack and Fly started buzzing around. Landed on another towel and *smack*, buzz around again. This went on for sometime, then Fly wised up and landed on the door. Well, *smack* again and buzz around again and it threatened to fly into the house so I gave up the battle. Hasta la vista shit-fly. We shall meet again.
Ok, I just read what I wrote above. I sound insane.