1. You're asleep but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You are proud of your lawn mower.
5. You sing along with the elevator music.
6. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
7. People call at 9pm and ask "Did I wake you?"
8. You wear black socks with sandals.
9. Your ears are hairier than your head.
10. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
11. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
12. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
13. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
14. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
15. You need glasses to find your glasses.
16. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
17. Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
18. You sink our teeth in a steak and it stays there.
19. Your birthday cake sets off the smoke alarm and you think it's the doorbell.
20. You're willing to get up and give your seat to a lady...and can't.
21. Your weight lifting consist merely of standing up.
22. The candles cost more than the cake.
23. It takes you two tries to get up from the couch.
24. A telephone rings on the TV and you think it's yours.
25. The only "Stones" you're interested in these days are Kidney and Gall.
26. Your computer has more memory than you do.
27. You don't have bad hair days; you have bad hair years.
28. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
29. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re not wearing shoes.
30. You and your teeth don't sleep together.