So I was sitting at the computer wondering what to blog about as my life of late has been pretty stale and people most definitely would not want to read about what I had for lunch. So in my current state of mind, I decided that what would make for an interesting, albeit hilarious (in my opinion) read, would be things that people would not normally talk about in polite company. Things that are so common in our everyday lives that nobody (well, most people anyway) really bothers to find out the 'science' behind them. So here I embark on my exploration into (and out of) the human body, and through much toil and tribulation, I bring to you.....*drum roll at this point*....THE WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WORLD OF FARTS.
The magic of the Internet is that it contains information on almost anything, from the very important to the downright ludicrous. So I'll rate Farts somewhere in the middle, although many people would beg to differ. I came across this website which addresses farting FAQ (yes, believe it), and though the webmaster's intention of creating such a site may be commendable in every sense, I found it downright-slapping-of-table-and-thigh hilarious. Let me cite a few:
Qn: Do men fart more than women?
Ans: No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. Some people say that men fart more often than women. If that is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than men do.
Qn: At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
Ans: A gentleman is most likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder", and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.
Qn: How can one cover up a fart?
Ans: There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odor of farts. If you should be caught without your fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present.
As for the sound, if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the fart. If you are with only one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a fart.
Qn: Is it possible to light a match with a fart?
Ans: No, even strike-anywhere matches have their limits, unless the fart has the consistency of sandpaper. Any fart that rough I would hesitate to call a fart. Also, farts have the same temperature as the body from which they emerge, and aren't hot enough to inititate combustion.
Qn: Is it possible that, by inhaling other people's farts all day long, my own farts will smell more?
Ans: No, inhaled farts would go into the lungs rather than into the digestive system, and would simply be exhaled again, although it might be possible that some of the fart components might be absorbed into the blood. If anyone wanted to benefit from other people's farts in the way described above, one would have to swallow them somehow.
http://www.heptune.com/farts.html
That's it for the FAQ part. After that, I came across some fart poems, and thought this one was quite funny, though kindda rude:
[To the tune of 'I Will Survive']
First I was afraid, I was petrified
I could feel a strange commotion deep in my backside
I had spent so many nights trying to contain the pong
But I grew strong
And my arse burst into song
And so my gas
Had come to pass
As long as I know how to fart the world can kiss my ass
I got all my life to live
I got all my wind to give
It's fun to fart
It's fun to fart
http://www.fartfarm.com/poem.html