Avenue Q OST - Purpose
Motivation is like a kick in the backside. Most people need that kick to get moving. Myself, I probably need a million kicks. Unless it's something that really matters to me, then I'd need just one mega-powered-up-kick.For a long time, I've been searching for something to make of my life. I found it last Thursday after prayer. As I was watching Andy coach swimmers at the pool next door, I realised that I miss the life of a swimmer. I miss having coaches yell at me from opposite ends of the pool, and I miss being constantly submerged in chlorine water 5 times a week. So I'm putting this resolve up on my blog to let people know about it and therefore, constantly remind me to keep at it: I'm going to start training and go back to waterpolo. It's not the trophies or accolades that shape my resolve, but the fact that being in a pool is what I've always loved to do. I was cleaning my shelf yesterday and every trophy and medal I wiped reminded me of a life that I once loved, and still do. Even though all these things would fade away when I die, at least the present satisfaction of having a life well led and doing the things I love would ensure a fruitful life.
CONGRATULATIONS to Jaya and Peter on their little bundle of joy!!!!!I'm now feeing the onset of quarterlife crisis. Nothing brings it on more than your classmates getting married and having babies. Still, I'm extremely happy for them!!
Congratulations to Steph who's going to study in the US!! (I'm envious...gah)I need to either find a job overseas, migrate there, or meet someone who will whisk me away from Singapore (and since I'm dreaming, I want a pony).I reckon July will decide for me where I'll live out the rest of my future. That is if things turn out in my favor.
You know how everybody sometimes has spontaneous weird urges to do something? I reckon I've got spurts of spontaneous DIY urges. Thus far I've created my own mobile phone pouch, skirts, shoes, and jewellery. What's next are BAGS! I've got this sudden urge to make my own bag, and not those flimsy cheap-o clothy kinds, but a real bag. Man this is beyond exciting!Clearly I've got too much time.
Have you ever looked out of your window/balcony into the world outside and suddenly know that everything is going to be OK? I have, and I just did. It's unexplainable really. I think I'm just a sucker for the serenity of the evening sky.
I'm not irked by many things because I choose not to be bothered by a lot of them. However, what irritates me most are people who constantly complain about things yet not do anything about it. The annoying thing is that these people are usually not aware of themselves doing so. I know when I'm being an ass, and I try to tone ass-ism down whenever it happens. BUT, I guess there will always be people who are not as self-aware, and what aggravates any situation most is that these people have a knack of finding each other and forming a clique, and all they do is complain to one another about whatever does not pander to their royal highnesses.In my opinion, this group of people will probably degenerate into cavemen if nobody steps in to slap some sense into them (and I'll gladly volunteer for this job). One defining characteristic of people in this category is that many of them are not able to wrap their minuscule brains around the fact that this world does not revolve around them. Because of that, they swim in their little fish tank of a world, unable to comprehend the things happening in the bigger world out there.In some way, I feel sad for these people, because instead of confiding in friends who are able to affirm them in truth and love, as well as to give advice that adheres to the way of Christ, they and their fellow like-minded people continue to affirm each other in lies and negativity because all they do when their together is complain about what their unhappy about, yet not one of them have the decency, or the guts to actually try to do something about it. The worst part is, because they cannot grasp the fact that there is a world beyond that which they have created for themselves, they think everyone is against them whenever things do not cater to them, or they think other people have some sort of hidden agenda/ulterior motive if ever they try to show concern, and thereby effectively erecting a barrier of disillusionment around themselves. Which is pathetic really. People like these really need to get some lives and to start venturing out of their little burrows and learn to see beyond themselves.
I bought this packet of fruit scented highlighters from Daiso today. I might either have gotten high over sniffing fruity scents, or I'm just simply overjoyed at what $2 got me. I feel all of 4 years old [according to Jer] again. It doesn't take much to make me happy.
This is too much. I laughed so hard.
I'm sharing at Teens Time this Saturday. Gah! I LOATHE public speaking. It's not that I'm not any good at it, in fact I've always been told that I speak very well, especially during presentations eversince my college days. I just hate doing it though. The times I've had to public speak was because I didn't have a choice. If I could choose not to talk, I would not at all. Sometimes being a mute ain't so bad. I love writing. I can express myself in text and be oh so happy.
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Ponyo went to the vet to be neutered yesterday. A procedure like this requires that the cat/dog/animal not to be given food for a predetermined number of hours prior to the operation. So I heard (I was sleeping then) that Ponyo was starving before Mom and Nigel took her to the vet, and basically whimpering from hunger and possibly fear (because of all the vaccinations she had to undergo at the clinic).
I swear I must be getting soft in my old age because when I heard that Ponyo was left at the clinic to await her operation alone, I cried...in my room obviously. OK, maybe not cried. I teared. Same thing. Anyway, I kept picturing the cat thinking we must not have wanted her anymore because we didn't feed her even though she was hungry, and we brought her to a place that brought her fear and then left her to suffer alone. It was a rather sad thought and my heart broke to imagine Ponyo feeling that way. Just call me The Cat Whisperer.PS: She's fine now. She just has this weird bald patch which cracks me up so bad, and it didn't help that Nigel was trying to get Ponyo to wear the Elizabethan collar (That cone shaped collar thingy that pets wear to prevent them from licking their wounds or stitches) because it brought to mind ridiculous jokes. I'm a being of conflicting emotions.
Nothing generates publicity like dirty linen being aired in the open. Then again one questions the reason for airing dirty garb in the open in the first place. So lately I've had talks with some people because of what I posted a couple of entries back (I've taken it away now. It has served its purpose, whatever it may be, so it's time to bury it.). To be honest, I don't apologize for it, although I do feel bad for words that may seem harsh. So if I have disillusioned people, I'm sorry. Life happens, and it's not sunshine and rainbows all the time. One thing I have to make clear though, I'm not unhappy with the existing leadership in church. In fact I think it's doing a pretty bang up job and I know for certain, that God has great plans in store for them. I'm just not happy about being where I am because I don't know whether it's where I'm called to serve. So it's a personal struggle.I've always been a pretty good reader of people, and even though I don't really care much about how other people think of me or if their judging me (I have always believed that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I don't want to dictate what other people think of me, or say of me.), I do however, am able to sense that through all this, I've let some people down, and some others may be disappointed. Being happy and making people happy has always been my philosophy in life, and right now, I know I'm not doing either, and it's not a nice feeling. Show me Your ways, O Lord, teach me Your paths...(Psalm 25:4)I know some people are worried about me because hey, Tracy never has problems. Tracy is always carefree and free spirited, constantly joking or laughing and rarely sad or burdened. Which is why I find it hard to escape this stigma that I've carried around with me for most of my life. People don't expect me to have problems, and frankly, I really don't. My life is not a fairy tale, I just find that I'm not bothered by many things. It's just when things do get me down, they tend to be huge otherwise I'll always manage on my own. I'm independent that way. Which is why I find it hard to share with people my struggles because I know people have many other things on their plates and I don't want to add to their burdens because it's not fair to them. I never liked having people worrying about me.I know for certain that God has an awesome plan for me. Somewhere out there is a Tracy-shaped hole waiting for me to fill. I know I'm meant for great things. We all are. I was joshing around with Bernice and Agnes today about how when I've passed away, I want the song "I've Got A Home In Glory Land" to be played and people to throw a party at my wake. I'm not kidding though. To think about it, I want people to be happy and to know for certain, that at the end of my life, I would have gone on to a better place up there with my Big Daddy. I know I belong to an everlasting kingdom that will never fade away. All these things I still hold fast to, so I'm not too far gone to be saved. God help me to have Your heart...If anything, the past few weeks have helped fan in me a desire to claw my way back to Him. I want to know what God's plans for me are, and only through spending time with Him and knowing His heart can I hope to find stable ground in this stormy sea I'm floating in now. I'm not going to run away. I'm done with that. I've grown up a lot over the years, and it's about time I made an effort to keep my appointment with God.I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm fine, really. There's nothing much people can do for me anyway, apart from praying. This is something I'm going to have to deal with alone. If anyone wants to ask me about this, I cannot give you an answer yet. I'm not much of a talker, so I never liked having conversations pertaining to things of these nature. I express myself better in text, and I'm hoping this entry will assure people that I'm OK. Every once in awhile, people will have to deal with stuff. This is my time. Other than that, I think I'm just really really tired.